Believers share the common bond of the Spirit as brothers and sisters in Christ. Why then does our conversation after the sermon or over dinner so often linger in temporal things – work, weather, or the price of hamburger? Shouldn’t Christian friendships go deeper than this? I recently read The Company We Keep by Jonathan Holmes, which explains what exactly biblical friendship is, what it isn’t, and why we need it.
While you probably don’t recognize the name Jonathan Holmes, you may know his co-pastor Alistair Begg. His teaching ministry, Truth for Life, is providing this book at printing cost. Also noteworthy: the publisher, Cruciform Press, specializes in books of about 100 pages that are “short, clear, useful, and inexpensive,” so consider passing this book on to someone else who might benefit when you’ve finished.
Holmes suggests that our friendships are often more worldly than biblical. “Due to the inward-curving effects of sin, we often pursue friendship . . . out of a desire for personal benefit.” We seek out those who share our interests or our stage in life. We make friendship self-focused by surrounding ourselves with those who make us happy. Social media adds yet another dimension of distortion by acting as a “relational substitute” that instead leaves us lonely.
Biblical friendship frees us to move beyond shared hobbies, age, or experiences as a foundation for friendship. “Biblical friendship seeks more than the friendship itself. In effect, the friendship is put into service for God’s glory.” Its source is Christ and its direction is mutual sanctification for God’s glory. Brotherly love frees us to be candid with our friends about their weaknesses and receive their counsel in return without offense.
I appreciate that Holmes doesn’t just throw together some pie-in-the-sky ideas, but openly shares his own friendships with us, including lessons he learned the hard way. I’ll admit that despite the old adage, I didn’t expect to learn much when I unwrapped the slim paperback. Yet Holmes seasons his theology with the wisdom of experience and I found myself wanting more.
He cautions, for instance, that we shouldn’t try to have a deep friendship with everybody in our church. “No one can maintain a large number of biblical friendships while also maintaining their quality.” Even Jesus – who chose just 12 disciples from his many followers – had a close inner circle of just three.
He stresses the importance of meals together and regular old conversation. “Utilize shared activities to build relationships on a number of levels, but ultimately to create contexts for redemptive, sanctifying conversations.”
As a movement, we need to do better in this area of informal discipleship. Holmes gives the vision we need and the tools to make it happen.