Narcissism. Everyone has encountered a self-absorbed person. The biggest problem comes not from its presence in the world, even though it can be described as an epidemic, but rather from its growth in respectable Christian circles. Chuck DeGroat and Michael Kruger both devote an entire book exposing narcissism’s infection in conservative evangelical churches. They rightly lament how Christians, especially the leaders, have rejected Christ’s meekness and humility. Tragically, some Christians have started labeling these un-Christlike narcissistic traits as spiritual gifts.
Narcissus, an ancient Greek myth, was sentenced to eternally love his own reflection as punishment for rejecting Echo’s love. He started to admire his own reflection so intensely that he eventually wilted by the riverbank because of his obsession. Later, the spot where he withered produced a beautiful flower. This evocative myth tells its listeners “that true beauty blossoms when obsessive and excessive self-love expires.”[^1] Following this myth, Sigmund Freud coined the term narcissism to describe those who were self-absorbed. Since then, the DSM-5 defined it more specifically as “a pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy.”[^2] This article will outline some common agreed-upon descriptions that flow from a self-absorbed underpinning of life.
Sigmund Freud “saw narcissistic egocentricity” as essential in childhood but only problematic in adults.[^3] Many people today, even Christians unfortunately, see a healthy narcissism; however, this article contends that narcissism and Christianity are antithetical. Hence, my thesis will endeavor to show that narcissism flows from a self-serving orientation and that it has no place in the Christian’s life, especially among church leaders. This article will look at situational pressures which tempt people to express their narcissism, then outline their wrong responses. Next, it will examine how Jesus, the perfect role model, left no room for personal entitlement, self-admiration, arrogance, pride, or anything centered on “I.” Rather, He “took the humble position of a slave” and “humbled himself in obedience to God” (Phil 2:7-8; NLT). It will then transition to some godly responses and finish with some ministry applications.
Situational Pressures
A man displaying narcissistic tendencies can bring life to a party. He is normally fun to be around until he gets crossed. May God help those who offended him! With narcissism on the rise, Dr. Twenge notes that narcissism comes from “a psychocultural affliction rather than a physical disease.”[^4] This means his genetics do not dictate how he responds. Rather, the culture’s influence of applauding him for looking out for himself, even at the expense of others, influences him to act selfishly. While situational pressures do influence his response, these pressures only expose his heart’s unmet desires.
Immediate Shame
The pressure a narcissist feels from (1) criticism or failure creates a great opportunity for her to manipulate or blame-shift to protect herself. The person’s act of criticism or confrontation left her feeling exposed and she cannot stand to think that she could be the problem, so she resorts to regaining power. In a similar vein, when she (2) perceives rejection or abandonment, she can respond with intense emotional reactions with the desire to regain her respect and control.
Since self-absorption lies at the bottom of narcissism, (3) any loss in status or power makes him feel like he is being dethroned from his very important throne. His twisted mind tells him any method available is permissible to get back on the throne which he deserves. This attack on his power allows him to show who is at the center of his universe … himself. This idea of the universe revolving around him makes (4) any moral confrontation against him seem so devastating. Someone is dethroning him and claiming they are higher in authority with moral codes that contradict his. This directly threatens “his lordship” of his life.
Past Shame
Many secular people argue or assume the origins of narcissism come from a very painful childhood.[^5] For example, many parents indoctrinate their children to believe their job is to make them happy and the children are to blame when the parents get upset.[^6] Some mothers tell their daughter, “You should be ashamed of yourself, young lady. … After all I’ve done for you… You’re such a disappointment.”[^7] The belief that she exists for her parents was reinforced and reciprocated when her parenting turn came. Additionally, the shame of not measuring up encouraged her to find ways to protect herself when she was being exposed.
Self-esteem Movement
American culture focuses on self-admiration so much that many people have flown from reality to a grandiose fantasy. This leads to arrogance and an entitled demeanor. In fact, there is “a word for people who have become drunk on their own hollow self-esteem boosting. It is narcissist.”[^8] In other words, the language of self-admiration coming from the self-esteem movement “skates dangerously close to the hole in the ice called narcissism—and often falls in.”[^9] Can anyone doubt that the big doses of self-admiration lead to “outcomes resembling the seven deadly sins: pride, wrath, envy, sloth, gluttony, lust, and greed,” which also resemble the same symptoms of narcissism.[^10] Can anyone expect children taught this way to grow up acting any different when they become leaders in churches or Christian organizations?
Wrong Responses
The authors of The Narcissism Epidemic offer a helpful list of narcissist traits which includes “arrogance, conceit, vanity, grandiosity, and self-centeredness. A narcissist is full of herself, has a big head, is a blowhard, loves the sound of his own voice, or is a legend in her own mind.”[^11] As seen in the previous list, both men and women can share many of the same traits. The biggest denominator is them admiring “their own voice and ceaseless search for approval and admiration.”[^12] The root of all this behavior comes from a self-absorbed view of life.
More Pronounced Male Narcissistic Tendencies
If a man has an (1) impairment of empathy or intimacy, he could be displaying a trait of narcissism.[^13] Since a narcissist sees himself as fundamentally superior (i.e., special, entitled, and unique) to others, by default, this mindset will make him out of touch with himself, others, and reality. Chuck DeGroat and others connect this behavior to his desire to shield himself “from the shame and pain within.[^14] When he protects himself from being shamed and exposed, he will therefore lack emotionally warm, caring, and loving relationships with other people.[^15] Narcissists do not value relationships because life revolves around themselves; hence, people exist as means to an end, whatever promotes his desires and hides his shame.
This self-promotion can also lead to (2) showing off and seeking the approval of others. In churches today, many ministry leaders obsess over “their reputation, influence, success, rightness, progressiveness, relevance, platform, affirmation, and power.”[^16] The pastor constructs the services to make himself look good in order to hear encouraging words afterwards. He cares less about faithfulness to God’s way of shepherding the church and more about what his congregation thinks about him. He prioritizes his comfort over personally investing and caring for the hurting in his congregation. Protecting his reputation could be a guise for his insecurities so that no one can hurt, humiliate, or disappoint him again.
Another expression is the (3) bully/controller type. This type of man inflicts pain on others but unintentionally inflicts it in order to protect his ego, pride, or possessions. He becomes “self-absorbed and preoccupied with achieving the perfect image (recognition, status, or being envied).”[^17] When others fail to give him what his heart longs for, he will coerce others to get what he wants. To the shame of Christ’s church, those who claim to follow Him have baptized this narcissism as spiritual giftedness. They interpret it as “confidence, strong leadership, clear vision, and thick skin.”[^18] Some of their followers will label the narcissism as merely a leadership clash with a few people getting their feathers ruffled “by strong leaders.”[^19] Damagingly, because “many narcissists do have charismatic personalities,” and they have become numerous “among church planters, some of whom have become megachurch pastors.”[^20] Consequently, many people see those false shepherds as representing Christianity but tragically miss the meek Jesus.
The narcissistic traits of the (4) addictive self-soother and (5) entitled rule breaker tie nicely together. To put it bluntly, he thinks that he is awesome! He cannot get over how good he accomplishes everything. To make matters worse, since childhood, those around him told him how special he was and all the additional self-esteem movement’s baggage. But as Dr. Twenge points out, if someone told him over and over that he is great, he will probably think he is great.[^21] Listen to how the current thought leads to narcissistic tendencies: “If you don’t have a me-first attitude, you won’t succeed” because it is “critical to success.”[^22] Therefore, his value is based on his achievements rather than on his moral character. This thinking “paves the way for the formation of bloated egos.”[^23] This bloated ego makes him think the rules do not apply to him. This kind of pride can also masquerade itself in a workaholic, the superhero, and the morally self-righteous martyr.
More Pronounced Female Narcissistic Traits
Since narcissism normally gets levied against males, it will be worth noting the female tendencies. The woman narcissist commonly plays the “victim” or “martyr” card. She makes her friend’s needs vanish with her “gravity of self-importance.”[^24] Additionally, if those she serves fail to notice her or disagree with her, she will make them pay. Just like her male counterparts, she concerns herself with other people’s opinions who have “perceived special value based on title, reputation, power, or incomparable good looks.”[^25] Pursuing her image encourages her to emphasize her “high fashion IQ, trendy décor, and meticulously accessorized children.”[^26] This can also be seen in her desire to post flattering photos on social media with an aim to create an online profile which stresses her uniqueness. As Wendy Behary observes, it springs from self-promotion.[^27] The bible would agree and would label this self-focus as idolatry.
Common Narcissistic Traits in Ministry Leaders
To conclude this section, the focus will now shift to common traits which show up in ministry leaders. Chuck DeGroat quotes Craig and Carolyn Williford’s six helpful narcissist traits to aid in spotting a narcissistic leader.[^28] We can identify the first trait by seeing how (1) all decision-making centers on him. He also (2) lacks patience or the ability to listen to others. Additionally, he (3) delegates without giving proper authority or with too many limits. He also will have a (4) feeling of entitlement. Consequently, he will feel (5) threatened or intimidated by other talented staff. Finally, he sees himself as needing to be the (6) most impressive and brightest in the room. In contrast to these six sinful responses, Christ presents a better way.
The bible says living among narcissistic people will be difficult (2 Tim 3:1 paraphrased). Just read through Paul’s description of ungodly characters and compare it with the descriptions of a narcissist: lovers of self and money, “boastful, arrogant, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy, unloving, irreconcilable, malicious gossips, without self-control, without gentleness, without love for good, treacherous, reckless, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, holding to a form of godliness, but having denied its power” (2 Tim 3:2-5; my emphasis). Then Paul commands, “Keep away from such men as these” (v5b). Paul presents a distinction between a believer and narcissistic traits.
God and His Provisions in Christ
The bible addresses the self-absorbed person in multiple ways. The bible uses the term pride as well as words like “vainglory, conceit, boasting, arrogance, loftiness, presumption, haughtiness, being puffed up, high-mindedness, scoffing, and self-seeking” to describe the one who sets themselves against God.[^29] The OT defines a proud person as a “sinful individual who shifts ultimate confidence from God to self,” just like every narcissist.[^30] The author of Proverbs claims that “everyone who is proud in heart is an abomination to Yahweh” (Prov 16:5).[^31] God abhors the behavior of a narcissist.
Another Proverb asks, “Do you see a man wise in his own eyes? There is more hope for a fool than for him” (26:12). In other words, this man is arrogant and his pride leads him “to believe things that are untrue about [himself], others, and God.”[^32] This man will struggle more than a fool because of the false reality he created in his head and his refusal to humble himself. However, if he chooses to humble himself, he must also kill the illusions, power grabs, and the fear which dominate his life.[^33] This change must flow from Jesus, the Word of Truth.
Serving Others
In Matthew 20:25-28, Jesus calls His disciples and tells them that Gentiles lord their power over their subjects. But Jesus draws a sharp distinction between the Gentile method and those who follow Him. He says, “It is not this way among you, but whoever wishes to become great among you shall be your servant, and whoever wishes to be first among you shall be your slave; just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many” (Matt 20:26-28). The passage explicitly outlines how believers must consider themselves as slaves and serve others. The text does so by appealing to Jesus, the perfect example to emulate. Since Jesus defined what it means to be fully human, following pride’s path will then push people away from their God-given purpose. Pride will continually “rob individuals of the God-centered, others-focused, rewarding life of a Christ-follower.”[^34] Christianity is others-oriented as seen by Jesus’s example of giving His life on the cross.
The best passage for a self-absorbed person is Philippians 2:3-8. The passage calls believers to do “nothing from selfish ambition or vain glory, but with humility of mind regarding one another as more important than yourselves” (Phil 2:3). Here Paul starts by commanding believers not to do anything from selfishness. As Dr. Scott poignantly observes, “pride [selfishness] is the opposite of humility” and humility cannot exist with pride.[^35] As long as narcissists keep looking out for themselves, they will never be able to fulfill this biblical command.
However, Paul does not stop with a command. He continues by drawing from the greatest example ever given. He exhorts his listeners to think like Jesus, “who, although existing in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, by taking the form of a slave, by being made in the likeness of men. Being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross” (Phil 2:5-8). Paul calls his listeners to live in light of the gospel. Jesus gave His life for them and gave an example for others to follow. If someone ever deserved to be first and entitled, it would have been Jesus. However, He chose the opposite path. Christ emptied Himself of the divine status and took on the lowest form of service, a lowly slave. He then suffered the worst kind of death known to man, that being crucifixion. Since Christ sacrificed everything, can any follower of Jesus not humble themselves to serve others?
Now contrast Jesus’ example in Philippians 2 with the description of pride. Pride promotes a “mindset of self (a master’s mindset rather than that of a servant): a focus on self and the service of self, a pursuit of self-recognition and self-exaltation and a desire to control and use all things for self.”[^36] To suggest that pride and Jesus’s example have anything in common would be insane.
Fruits of the Spirit
Although all the fruits of the Spirit need to be examined against the backdrop of narcissism, only love and gentleness will be explored here. First, notice the context of the three verses before Galatians 5:22-23. Paul outlines a list of vices which characterize unrepentant people who walk according to the flesh, with a lot of them resembling the narcissist. Next, notice the “but” which starts verse 22. Paul contrasts these selfish ambitions with those traits which the Holy Spirit expresses in believers. Paul starts with (1) love. This is not surprising since Paul claims that the whole law is fulfilled by loving one’s neighbor as themselves (v14) and that “love is the mark of new life in Christ” (cf. 1 Cor 13).[^37] Dr. Schreiner goes on to define love as “giving oneself for others” so that they can love God better.[^38] Christ’s example and calling, Paul’s admonition, and the goal of the Christian life call narcissistic people to humble themselves and put others first (1 Tim 1:5, 1 Cor 13, Rom 13:8-10, etc.).
Paul also describes the Spirit-filled life as one of (2) gentleness (v23). William Arndt helpfully defines it as “the quality of not being overly impressed by a sense of one’s self-importance, gentleness, humility, courtesy, considerateness, [and] meekness.”[^39] Jesus calls a narcissist to follow and learn from Him, because He is “gentle and humble in heart” (Matt 11:29). Jesus shepherded those around Him with care and gentleness (Eze 34:22-24). Because Jesus cares for His sheep, God expects those over the sheep to shepherd with gentleness (Titus 3:2). There is no room in God’s kingdom for narcissistic pastors or this kind of “Christian” leaders because it is antithetical to Jesus.
Church’s Role
Unfortunately, many believers have been blinded by the culture’s influence and embraced certain aspects of narcissism. The author of Hebrews anticipates that believers will be blinded by sin and exhorts every Christian to “encourage one another day after day, as long as it is still called ‘TODAY,’ so that none of you will be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin (Heb 3:13). Every believer must have others, particularly other church members, pouring into their lives in order to recognize their blinding sins. Paul also calls the church to restore a fallen brother with gentleness (Gal 6:1). This calls for humility and community among believers.
Godly Responses
Based on the life of Christ, you should be able to see the vast difference between Christ’s legacy and the narcissist’s legacy. This section lays out proper responses called godly fruit which flow from godly roots.
Godly Roots
First, (1) humility will be evident in a believer’s life. The believer will humble himself before God and count others as more significant than himself (Phil 2:3-8). As seen in Philippians 2, humility expresses itself very differently than the narcissist’s entitlement attitude. Gone is the know-it-all, arrogant superiority, needing to impress others, or to be important.[^40] As seen by Christ’s example, He revealed that focusing on yourself and always looking inwards is never biblical. By extension, since narcissism is concerned about “me” above anyone else and God, there is no room in Christianity for so-called healthy narcissism. It is an oxymoron.
In contrast to a common desire for other people’s attention and approval, Jesus calls her to find her (2) identity in Christ. Remember, the whole point of the gospel comes not from man becoming perfect, but rather Christ reaching out and saving the imperfect. She must be content to let Christ be her righteousness.[^41] Ephesians 4:24 talks about living in light of her new identity because she “has been created in righteousness and holiness of the truth” (Eph 4:24). The implication of this means she does not have to worry about what others think about her. Additionally, she must take her humanness and brokenness to Christ and not hide because, unlike her, (3) Christ is all-sufficient. When she grasps the doctrine of imputed righteousness, she can confidently rest in Christ’s work and not her own!
A narcissistic person struggles to trust others and will not trust God because he thinks the world revolves around him. He must learn to (4) trust that God is good, sovereign, and wise. Instead of manipulating people to accomplish his ends, he needs to trust that God will bring about His good purposes to conform this individual into Christ’s image (Rom 8:28-29). His humility will allow him to acknowledge who God is and trust God.[^42] The narcissist must change from manipulating people for his own end to pursuing God’s purposes, while realizing that God will accomplish it.
Godly Fruits
Since Christians will grow in Christlikeness, a believer will exhibit the (1) Fruits of the Spirit. Godly characteristics of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control will be evident in his life (Gal 5:22-23). The different ways these qualities can manifest themselves could go on ad infinitum. At a minimum, all these qualities benefit the community’s well-being and orient themselves towards others. The Spirit’s fruit opposes the common characteristics of pride, lust, greed, wrath, and others which dominate a narcissist’s life.
The godly fruit which flows from counting others as more significant than themselves will result in a believer (2) serving others. Instead of bullying others to further his own interests, he will sacrifice his desires in order to put others first. Christians do not treat people as if they are their slaves. Rather, under Christ’s lordship, they “live their lives to meet the needs of others.”[^43] For example, think of how Paul continually identified himself as a slave and gave up comfort, safety, pleasure, and money to serve others. Jesus, Paul, and other biblical people modeled how to serve others and called every believer to serve others, especially leaders. The bible gives no room for leaders to be focused on themselves and bullying people to serve them.
In the same vein, this also means he will not be an addictive soother like before. In (3) putting others first, he will not dwell on his accomplishments and accolades. Paul says, “those who belong to Christ Jesus crucified the flesh with its passions and desires” (Gal 5:24). When a man dies to his desires, he will press into other people’s stories and learn more about their lives in order to care for them better. In addition, he will seek to put his congregation’s needs and desires above his own.
As she continues to put her identity in Christ, she will realize she does not have to show off or look for other people’s approval. Rather than looking to social media comments or stylish clothes, she will desire to (4) glorify God. She will seek to ascribe greatness to God’s holy name and live in light of what He has done, is doing, and will do.[^44] Scripture says if she is still trying to please others, she is not a slave of Christ (Gal 1:10). In conjunction with glorifying God will be her rejecting an entitled “rule-breaker” attitude and replacing it with a (5) respectful attitude, especially to those in authority. Peter calls her to humble herself before God, which also entails submitting to those in authority (1 Pet 2:13-17). Then Peter calls her to honor all people, meaning she must show high regard for them (1 Pet 2:17). What an awesome way to honor the ultimate King, Jesus Christ.
Ministry Approach
In approaching a person with narcissistic tendencies or considered a narcissist, believers must (1) enter their world. As shown in the wrong response section of this article, people express their selfishness for multiple reasons. Every person will assign more weight to particular desires even if every manifestation listed above is present. Therefore, we must listen to the person in order to correctly synthesize the given information.
As we collect the needed information, we must look for patterns to (2) understand the person. This can be tricky since the narcissist normally plays his cards well. Listen to those around him (or previously around him) to gain understanding of his pattern. The objective of understanding him is to understand his heart’s desires and reorient them to Christ.
After we begin to grasp their heart desires, we can evaluate them in light of the gospel. Next, we will (3) bring the hope of Christ and what He has done to bear on the problem. Our job will primarily be to call the man to humble himself before Christ and then live in light of what Christ has done.
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