What does the word “home” evoke in you? To me, home is a light left on when you return after dark, the scent of bread baking, familiar voices in the next room. But for those suffering domestic abuse, home is an ugly place, an edifice of pain and fear. When Home Hurts, by Jeremy Pierre and Greg Wilson, provides a Biblical and compassionate guide for responding to domestic abuse in your church.
If the scandals of recent years have shown anything, it’s that churches – including Anabaptist ones – are not exempt from abuse problems. Church leaders have the responsibility to correct and care, but may feel overwhelmed or inadequate when domestic abuse comes to light. Pierre and Wilson (both experienced counselors) lay out a framework to help “discern the best actions to take based on limited knowledge you have at each stage.”
Understanding abuse begins with defining the terms. While all sin hurts relationships, not all sin is abuse. The authors describe the difference as “me over you” sin instead of “me before you” sin. An abuser uses his power to weaken others and control them. Abuse is not limited to physical harm – verbal and emotional abuse are equally damaging. “Victim” and “abuser” are helpful terms to describe the people involved in an abusive situation, but unhelpful when describing a person’s core identity. Because over 80 percent of domestic abuse victims are women, the book addresses victims as female and abusers as male (a section in the appendix addresses male victims).
The book lays out both short-term and long-term objectives. First priority is to take victims seriously and ensure their safety. This includes mandatory reporting when applicable. Next, when the victim feels ready, leaders should begin the process of confronting the abuser about his sin. Sometimes, victims feel unloving for reporting abuse. However, “true love does not wish to spare him from the consequences, but rather allow consequences to do their good work.”
For the long term, Pierre and Wilson recommend forming a group of people, including pastors, advocates, and experienced counselors, to work separately with the victim and abuser. Abuse is not merely an “action that can be immediately identified, repented of, and moved past.” For the victim, the trauma of abuse reshapes the brain and the way a person thinks. Learning new ways of thinking about God, herself, and others takes time. For the abuser, the hardening effects of sin often leave him self-deceived and unwilling to change. Only time will tell if an abuser will come to see, own, hate, and eventually turn from his sin.
Pierre and Wilson strike a good balance between clear-eyed realism and the hope of the gospel. Healing for victims and repentance for abusers is never easy. Yet God can transform people in even the darkest situation. This book will help your church to be a home of hope for those in a home of hurt.